Dock five, the Immaculata?
It's over there!
Oh!
I cannot, I repeat, cannot
sit in this cesspool by the sea with nothing to do.
So, while you repair your silly boat engines, I will do some remodelling.
- I've sent for a carpenter. - Whatever, diddums. I'm shooting skeet.
Hello!
Mr Stayton? Anybody home?
- Hello! - State your purpose!
- Nice-looking Wetherby you got. - It's a very expensive gun.
- I have lots and lots of them. - Somebody call for a carpenter?
That's my wife's department.
Could you tell me where your wife might... be?
You're the carpenter?
Yeah. Dean Proffitt.
You're late.
- References? - Well, no, not really.
You see, I just moved up to this area...
Hey, I've been doing this kind of shit - work - for years.
This is... This is just beautiful. Wow!
- Try not to touch anything. - Oh, I won't.
Andrew will keep an eye on you.
Maybe you'd like to take fingerprints before I get started.
I was just... kidding.
Don't walk so close to me!
OK! Where's your problem?
- My closet. - Uh-huh.
In here.
Now, you can see how inadequate this all is.
I need new shoe racks for my shoes.
Uh, excuse me. I was told that this was some kind of an emergency.
It is.
And I need drawers for my lingerie.
I can't keep entering these boxes all the time.
Hello?
Uh... Hey, I'm sorry. I understand now. You want me to remodel your closet.
Isn't that what I've been explaining in some detail?
Is English your second language?
What is that odour?
I don't smell anything.
Madam.
Well! I almost had to wait.
I got an idea for a shoe rack right in here maybe, huh?
What is this gelatinous muck?!
Andrew, when I tell you to pack staples,
must I specify that you are to pack good caviar and not this $1.99 fish bait!
- Yes, madam. - Caviar should be round and hard
and of adequate size.
And it should burst in your mouth at precisely the right moment.
Yes, madam.
- Carpenter! - Yeah?
You have exactly 48 hours. I suggest you get started.
- Throw that out. - Yes, madam.
Watch him.
Mais oui! Bien sur!
Oui?
Ecoutez, Jean-Jacques. Je vous telephone...
Oh, boy. She is really something!
I know it will cost me, but it's the cutest little painting.
I simply must have it. You'll do the bidding for me?
But of course(!)
- Bid 1,700,000. - Shit!
Grant, I'm on the phone!
I can't hear you, tea rose! I'm shooting skeet!
- Pull! - Pull!
Firing!
Hello.
Forks were invented so man could at least make a pretence
- of separating himself from the apes. - So were thumbs.
- What did you say? - Nothin'. Just... my stomach.
Well, try to control your bodily noises so I can hear myself think!
And another Oregon good morning to you.
Wilbur Budd here with some local items.
The Fraga Feed and Fertilizer folks are hiring people to shovel the stuff.
Oh, women are welcome, too. There's no chauvinism in the manure business.
These gnats keep landing on my wet nail polish.
I guess I'm supposed to walk around with their little corpses stuck to my fingers.
- Joanna, please! - It's easy for you to say!
You don't have to sit out here in the brine with your perm frizzing to oblivion.
I look like a bushman.
Why don't you go inside and get out of the sea air?
Because that Elk Snout mountain man is still working on my closet.
He's sweating all over the place.
I doubt if he's even housebroken.
- Oh, I think they housebreak each other... - Ssh!
- What? - He's listening.
- Who? - That carpenter.
He's been hanging on our every word for the last two days.
It's your project, Joanna. You deal with it.
- Come along, men. - The engines are ready, sir.
Well, let's get going.
I've finished, madam. Shall I put your jewellery back on you?
No.
I'm still tacky.
Keep quiet for ten more minutes, collect the money and get the hell outta here.
Well! Are we amusing you?
- What... is this? - Uh, well, I'm done. I'm finished.
- Uh... What do you think? - What is it?
Well, it's a shoe rack... with a twist. Uh... You ready?
Just turn the crank here, those drop back, these split. Gives you twice the space...
Stop boring me with your absurdities. What's it made of?
It's called wood. It's oak.
Oak. An oak closet?
Huh! Why am I even amazed?
I don't know. Why are you amazed?
One would think you would know closets are made of cedar. If not, we get moths.
Well, lady, there's not a real big moth problem off the Pacific coast.
But if you want one out of cedar, that's fine. I'll start all over.
I just have to tell ya that's gonna more than double my estimate.
- What do you mean? - I've already done this out of oak, so...
- I'm not paying for your mistake! - I'm not just gonna eat it on this deal.
Why not? You've eaten everything else here.
And you will eat it because I wanted cedar!
You may have wanted cedar, but you didn't ask for it.
The entire civilised world knows closets are made of cedar!
In Elk Snout, we don't know about them closets!
Nor bathrooms, neither! Shit, woman! You're lucky I am housebroke!
- You were listening. - Well, it was kinda hard to avoid.
- You can avoid it now - you're fired! - You're unbelievable!
That's fine with me! Just pay me the money you owe me.
- The job was not done to my satisfaction! - I got news for you, lady!
No job will ever be done to your satisfaction!
That's quite enough! Now, just get out!
No problem! Pay me the 600 bucks you owe me and I'm gone!
Captain Karl! Start up the engine!
You know what your problem is? Huh?
You're so goddamn bored, you gotta invent things to bitch about.
You haven't got a single thing to do except for your hair.
Yeah! The closet was fine!
You just needed somethin' to take up your useless, empty,
nail-polishing, toe-polishing, rich-bitch, sun tanning days!
- Don't touch me! - What?
Hey, lady.
I may be hard up, but I am not that hard up. And I'm not goin' anywhere...
Hey!
- Damn you! - Man overboard!
I'll get you for this, you...
Not my tool belt! You owe me 600 bucks!
- Keep going! - As you wish.
If I ever get you, lady, you're dead meat! You got that?
No, don't throw that!
I'm not bored! I'm quite happy!
Everyone wants to be me!
You come back here!
I lost all my tools.
I'll loan you some tools. We'll get you some part-time work.
I need a steady job. What about that night-time thing?
I'm working on it. Listen, pretty soon, we'll get that miniature golf course deal.
If I can hang on that long.
He called you a what?
Joanna, why are you so upset?
Why in the world do you care what some carpenter from Elk Snout thinks of you?
I'm sure I'm just premenstrual.
Then you must go right back to bed for at least two days.
Inga, you don't shove the food down Shiitake's throat.
You place it on her tongue. Don't they have dogs in Sweden?
Grant mentioned having a baby again.
What should I do?
Darling, if you have a baby,
you won't be the baby any more.
True.
Well, I must go. Bye-bye, Mommy.
Bye-bye, sweetie.
I'm not a bitch.
Andrew! Are you going to bring me my lemon
or do I have to squeeze it from my hat?
Hey, guys, I'm home!
Stay away, you wolves! No! Shoo!
Bad dogs! Go away!
Buster! Jackson! Get back inside!
- Are you Mr Proffitt? - Yeah!
You look like the morning after Halloween. Probably had a day like I did.
- What happened to you? - Monday is their first day of school
and I came here to welcome your family. And what do I get in return?
- I get toilet-papered by your children! - They're just playin' around!
Just playin' around? They were about to douse the toilet paper with gasoline
- and strike... - Wait, wait! Stop.
- Greg and Charlie. Twins, right? - Yeah.
They're having this arson period. They don't know this, but I'm ahead of them.
I got two fire extinguishers ready to go.
- I didn't catch your name. - Adele Burbridge.
- Nice to meet you. - Principal of the Elk Cove school.
- Your children are monsters! - You won't think that once you know 'em!
- Where is Mrs Proffitt during all of this? - She died three years ago.
Mr Proffitt, your children are totally lacking in parental supervision.
Hey, you don't have to tell me these kids are lucky.
Fine. You can joke all you want, but I am serious about this.
If you don't do something, I am going to notify the proper authorities.
I have had baby-sitters in here by the dozen, but...
I'm... I'm kinda low on cash right now.
I'm new in town, but if I get a chance I'll hire a housekeeper, all right?
I'll believe it when I see it. Good day, Mr Proffitt!
I'm a good father!
Ah, what do you know?
Joanna, I want you tonight.
How can you have your period every week?!
You can stow away with the rich and famous to exotic ports of call...
Must you watch that thing incessantly?
Yes, I must. It has a tawdry escapist quality that soothes my nerves.
What you have to escape from, I can't possibly imagine.
Grant! I left my wedding ring on the deck.
- Well, what can I do? - Go and get it.
- It's after midnight! - I don't care what time it is. I want it now!
I want to see who's in the top ten yachts.
- I'll get it! - OK.
A countdown to the world's ten best luxury yachts.
This is the big league of the seven seas.
The one purchase that separates mere millionaires from multimillionaires.
Our number ten pick is the Loca Rohan,
a 167-foot Saudi-owned dreamboat, docked in Tahiti.
Number nine, the 230...
Andrew!
Grant!
Oh, my hair!
Help!
Grant! Help!
Stop! You idiots!
Another Oregon good morning to you! This is Wilbur Budd here at KRAB,
the family station, run by me and my family.
Sorry to interrupt the movie, but we got some excitement in Tillamook County.
I've got a bulletin for the eyewitness, on-the-spot KRAB newsroom.
It seems a mystery woman was picked up
by the Elk Cove garbage scow shortly after midnight.
They fished her out of the water and she's conscious,
but the problem is she seems to be suffering from amnesia.
She has no recollection of who she is.
My wife Rose is with the captain of the garbage scow
that picked up the mystery lady.
- Rose? - Mr Tunatti.
Can you tell us what the woman was like when you brought her aboard?
Yes. We saw something float in water like this. Just like that, just like that.
We didn't know it... We bring... on board.
- On board. - Yes. We say... foca!
Excuse me, you can't say that on television!
No, no, no, no!
Foca! Foca! Foca means seal in portugues!
- Oh, I see! - Seal, seal! So we bring...
- You learn something every day! - No clothes. Just a little thing.
- There you have it. Thank you, Tunatti. - Thank you.
Garbage I do for money. For love, I sing.
- In my country, I sing. - Isn't that interesting?
- We have a Renaissance garbageman. - We tell stories with our songs.
Thank you, Rose.
Arnie, can we roll that tape now, please?
Now, folks. Here's an interview we taped earlier at the hospital.
Miss, miss... do you know your name?
Of course I know my name!
It's...
Oh! This is absurd!
I know it! It...
Get that thing out of my face!
What a horrible wig!
You mean to tell me that I have no medical recourse?
- Can she see us? - Not unless she's Superwoman.
Well, what do you know? Extend your brain a teensy little bit, if possible!
You seem to be suffering from a temporary amnesia,
either from the bump into the garbage scow or the shock of the cold water.
- How temporary is it? - Well, we don't know.
Otherwise, you seem to be in excellent physical shape.
Listen to me, medical people.
As of now, I have a life history of a dirty garbage scow
and a breakfast of extremely runny eggs over easy!
Now I refuse... refuse...
to be incarcerated in this semi-private room!
You snore!
No efforts are being made for anyone to locate...
Is that her?
I demand you do something! Do you hear me?
No! I never saw her before in my life.
Mrs Stayton has decided to leave me. Let's celebrate!
Now, Miss, uh... X, we have a comfortable private room for you
where you'll be safer, we'll all be safer, and you'll be a lot more comfortable.
Well, I'm glad you've finally come to your senses!
I was prepared to sue you.
I don't know who I am, but I'm sure I have a lawyer.
- Hey, you about done? - Yeah! I think I got it fixed.
- Your lunch is on the counter. - Thanks.
Hi, this is Wilbur Budd. We got some more
on that amnesia lady story down there in Elk Grove.
Wanna push in on these, Barry, please?
Uh, I saw some potato chips around the corner. Could I just...?
OK, one bag!
I said Elk Grove before. You know I meant Elk Cove. Anything new, honey?
The mystery woman is still suffering from complete but temporary amnesia.
If you know the identity of this woman, please contact Elk Cove Hospital.
I'll put up the reward myself. She's drivin' us crazy.
- Thank you. Back to Wilbur... - Yo, Dean!
- She's not the nicest person around... - Look at this!
She made some remarks about Rose's hair, which I didn't care for.
In any event, there she is and this is what she looks like.
- That's her. - Who?
The bitch!
Earlier today, one man arrived on the scene to make an identification, but...
I can't believe it. He's skippin' out on her.
Course he is! It's his shot at freedom.
We should go and see if we can get your money back.
- Look, he's gone! - Not him, her!
She doesn't know who she is. Do you think she's gonna know who I am?
- Billy, there is a God and he loves me. - You're not gonna shave your head?
No.
- Dean... - I gotta go talk to my kids.
I want you to take 'em shopping at the Salvation Army.
This is illegal! Dean, you're crazy!
I wondered if a woman like that had a husband.
- Oh, yeah! She does! - Here's some effects you may recognise.
Oh, yeah.
Nice panties. Some initials here, she didn't know what they meant. JS.
She wouldn't cos, see, I bought these for her at a garage sale.
- I bought my wife a garter at a yard sale. - I bet you did.
- Hey, what else you got in here? - I got some pictures.
We were gonna wire them, but now you're here...
Yeah! That's her.
Oh, yeah. That's my little cookie-cutter.
- Quite a beauty! - She's somethin', isn't she?
You got that right!
Doc. We got a winner.
Annie!
Stop!
I don't recognise this man.
Your wife's had an almost total loss of memory.
I-I can't believe she doesn't know her own husband!
This missing-link person is not my husband!
Oh, Annie, please!
- Annie. Annie. - Right.
That's not right. That's not my name!
This is completely crazy! Honey, sit down.
Everything's gonna be OK. Now... I am your husband.
My name is Dean Proffitt.
We've been married for 13 years.
Wait!
I admit I have forgotten numerous things.
But I truly, from the depths of my soul, do not remember you!
Don't you think there'd be some spark of recognition?
- We don't know. - Maybe you'll spark to this!
Ugh! I don't believe this! He could be some stranger off the street!
Well, he seems to like you and he's a nice guy.
- He's good-lookin'. - Clean.
- What's my full name? - Oh, come on!
- What is it? - Mrs Annie Proffitt!
- What's my maiden name? - Annie... Goolihy.
Annie Goolihy?
Where in God's name did I grow up? Dogpatch?
No, no, not there! Over in Goober, Idaho. But it's a nuclear waste dump now...
- Where did I meet you? - Hank's Donut World.
Seattle? You hung out there every night when you were in the Navy!
- You remember... - I was in the armed forces?
I've still got your postcards from Okinawa...
Stop. The Navy?
Oh, come on, honey!
You gotta know! You were in the Navy!
No, I don't know! I don't know any of this and I don't know you!
I need some proof!
Stop staring at me!
Eat your chequers!
Look, if it were up to us, we'd be glad to give her to you, but she's right.
I'm gonna need some verification.
Oh, listen... I know what you mean. I understand. Now...
I don't like to talk about this in public, and I've never told anybody...
She does have a small strawberry-like birthmark, uh...
It's kinda high up on her... left cheek
and it's unique.
Come to Daddy!
Mister! What was I doing out in the ocean?
Um... That's something you like to do. You know, divin' for oysters at night.
Sometimes you get pretty far from the shore and that undertow...
Oysters? In a cold ocean at night? That doesn't sound like me.
I just... ate a bug!
Keep your mouth closed! A lot of things flying around out here.
Welcome home, baby!
I feel faint.
Come on, Buster! Come on, Jackson!
No. This is wrong.
Come along, now. We've only been here a couple of weeks.
A lot of stuff's in boxes from the move, so I hardly recognise the place myself.
We moved here... deliberately?
Our last place was a real dump.
Come on.
Our new palace!
Well!
Let me, uh... Let me show you around. Maybe something'll come back to you.
- Did I just go downhill? - Look at that. It's comin' back already.
Everything slants down here toward the bedroom.
Dining room and toilet... Only one.
And here we are at the old, uh... magic room.
Put a lot of miles on that mattress, huh?
Later.
All right! Here's where we have breakfast every morning.
Let's go up...
Oh-ho! Here they come!
- Charlie tried to kill my turtle! - He didn't. It slipped out of his hands!
- He did! - Hey, hey, guys! Whoa!
Whoa! Hey, look who's home!
- Hi, Mom. - Hi, Mom.
Gee, Mom! We really missed you.
We're so glad you're back.
They're... They're not mine.
Oh, honey! I was sure you'd remember them!
Well, I think I'd remember if I had three...
Four, honey! Don't forget little Joe.
Well, that's about it except for...
Hey, she's been in there an hour. What did you guys get her?
- Dresses. - The right sizes?
You didn't tell us. You just said get some dresses.
OK, on the couch. Come on, guys, don't blow it.
Hey, a dirty magazine!
Baby doll!
This garment cannot possibly be a part of my wardrobe.
Let's forget for a moment that it's a rag,
but it happens to be 12 sizes too large.
- It's... It's not that bad. - Not that bad?
Well, come on, honey. You gotta admit, you've lost a lot of weight.
Huh? You used to be like a balloon!
- Was I also shorter? - Yes!
Yes, you had a bad back. You walked kinda hunched over, you know?
I was short and fat?
Look, I'm sure you've got a million questions.
You've been through hell. So, let's just take this thing one step at a time.
First, let's meet the boys.
In the middle we've got the twins - Greg and Charlie. He likes to invent things.
- Twins? - Yeah. Obviously, they're not identical.
- Or I'd look like a shithead! - Who asked you, butthole?!
They came out fighting and they're still at it!
Guys, guys!
Charlie and I get along very well, Mom. My twin brother and I are best friends.
He's the actor in the family.
Then we got the big guy! 11 pounds 5 ounces.
Come on, honey, give it a try. What's his name?
Roy?
No. Travis. Sweet Trav?
- Now, those are tits! - My turn!
Hey, what are you...?
I was hopin' you'd recall this guy. He's your newest, honey.
Hi, Mom! My name's Joe.
- A falsetto child? - Ah, he thinks he's Pee Wee Herman.
I love Pee Wee Herman. Ha ha!
- Give your ma a kiss. - No! No! No!
Do they have a problem with their glands?
Hey, hey, guys, easy! Come on!
It's not us, Dad, it's Roy!
Ah, they're great boys, aren't they?
There's so many of them.
You've always had your heart set on six, so...
we'll just keep on tryin'.
Dad! They're making me drink blood!
- Come back here! - No, no, no!
They don't look anything like me!
They do take after your mother. Let's hope they don't grow up to be lushes, too.
- My mother's a lush? - Was, honey.
- Cirrhosis. - She's...?
- What about my father? - Oh, he's alive and well.
- And due for parole in, what, two years? - Oh, God! I don't wanna hear any more!
- Look... - I just wanna remember for myself.
The doctor says the best thing for you is to get back to your normal routine.
You gotta get your memory back that way. You gotta do what you normally do.
What is it I normally do?
I prepared and handled raw food?
I hunt it. You cook it.
- You shot a chicken? - Come on, honey!
Save the jokes! We're starvin' here.
Yeah!
It's strange, but... ooh!
I feel as if I've never done this before in my life.
Dad, are you and Uncle Billy really gonna open a miniature golf course?
Nah. We'll just build it when someone pays for it.
- What's miniature golf? - For midget brains, like you.
- I was only asking. - You shut up!
You're gonna make that turtle sick again.
You gotta breathe on it.
Look at me, Dad!
Nothing's happening.
Well, pumpkin, you gotta light the burner.
30 seconds.
29... 28... 27...
Fire, fire!
Hey, come here. Sit down.
- Let me see your hand. - I smell hair!
I'll get the burn ointment. You'll be all right.
Ouch!
OK, let's see, we...
Way to hustle, guys!
You all right?
Well, now we know they work.
- Pretty good eats! - Should mashed potatoes be crunchy?
Where are you going?
Out! I go out every night after dinner.
Meet the boys at the bowling alley for a couple of beers.
- Don't leave me alone with them! - Come on, honey. That's not fair.
You know we live like this. Never bothered you before.
It's just the way it is. You'd better get used to it.
When are you coming home?
When I feel like it. It just depends on how drunk I get.
How's it goin' with your debutante?
She's one lousy cook! But as long as I don't have to do it.
- How long are you gonna keep her? - Let's see. 25 bucks a day, huh?
Figure little wifey-poo can work off what she owes me in... a little over a month.
- Your first night with her, huh? - Mm-hm.
Uh-huh! Come on, huh!
I'm not gonna tell you she doesn't have a great body.
And a pretty decent face... Ah, she's too rich for my blood!
Chocolate cake's a bit rich too, but I'd like to eat one once in a while.
Not my style. Course, eating a whole cake isn't, either.
But I'm gonna have some fun with her tonight!
- What are you gonna do? - What are you drinkin'?
Some rotgut. Cheapest stuff they got.
Perfect.
Wait!
You jumped my bones the first night we met!
- We did it on the first date? - Well, I couldn't call it a date, really.
We just did it right there in the parking lot of the 7-Eleven.
- I'm a slut. - Huh?
Nothing.
- Ooh! - Oh!
Hey, I'm a little drunk tonight, baby, so, you know,
it might take me a while to get there.
Oh! What? No boom-boom?
Well, hey, I understand.
You probably just wanna go right to sleep and skip the fun stuff, huh?
- Yes. - OK.
Thank you. No boom-boom.
- Baby. - Hm?
- The couch. - What?
You see, honey, you've got a bad back because the bed's too soft for you.
That's why you always sleep on the living-room couch.
I'm a short... fat... slut.
Get off of my body!
Rover!
- Up, up, up, up, up! Come on! - Help! Help!
Time to get up. Gotta fix the kids' lunches or they'll miss the bus for school.
I don't care if they don't go to school.
OK. They'll just be with you all day.
Bye, Mom!
Whoa, whoa, the bus is here! 7.15, let's go!
Hurry up, Mom!
Roy. Roy!
My name is Travis.
Travis.
Travisss!
Come on, Joey.
Stop honking!
Twin! Oh, twin!
She means you. Have a good day at school, honey.
You ready? You ready? Come on, come on!
Bye, Mom. You're doin' a great job.
I'm off to work.
Somebody's gotta keep this family in the lap of luxury.
I figured you'd forget, so I made it for you myself.
- What? - Your list of daily chores.
See ya tonight.
- Dean? - D Zippety doo dah!
D Zippety yay!
D My oh my, I got a wonderful slave
And you are a genius!
You're living in a nightmare that starts at the crack of dawn.
Down! Down!
D Jim Dandy to the rescue
d Jim Dandy to the rescue
d Go, Jim Dandy! Go, Jim Dandy!
D Go, Jim Dandy! Go, Jim Dandy!
Dinner! Dinner!
She needs food.
This is fun.
Hey, guys.
- What's goin' on here? - Nothing. We're OK. We're fine.
- How about you? - Oh, no. What's wrong with her?
She's been like that for an hour now.
- She's getting better, though. - Better?
Yeah, she's not going "Ba-ba-ba..."
Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba...
- Why did she do that? - She destroyed the scarecrow.
She ripped the sucker's head off!
I like when she goes "Ba-ba-ba-ba ba-ba-ba."
Hey! Baby doll!
What's for dinner?
Bu-bu-bu-bu-bu-bu ba-ba-ha-ha...
OK! I'll take it from here. Go on, get upstairs!
- Will you trade her in for a new one? - Nah, she'll be all right.
Come on, guys! Move it!
Feel better?
I don't belong here. I feel it. Don't you think I feel it?
I can't do any of these vile things and I wouldn't want to!
My life is like death!
My children are the spawn of hell and you're the devil.
Oh, God...
Baby, we like you.
She's OK. She's doin' the dishes.
- No more "ba-ba-ba-ba-ba". - Good. All right.
- Dad? - Yeah?
- Will she figure out we're tricking her? - Not if we don't blow it.
- What are you doin'? - Looking for memorabilia.
Memora-what?
Scrapbooks. Photographs.
Something that will spark some wisp of a memory.
Do we or do we not possess these things?
Uh, well...
Do you mean to tell me there is no photographic evidence
of our life together... anywhere in existence?
Well, I don't know where they'd be because, uh...
you know, we lost a lot of stuff in the move.
And it's possible that, uh...
we lost...
The closet
and you.
That's right. This is me... and I'm standing in front of the closet.
Something's familiar.
You got it. We used to do it in the closet.
Oh, stop with the sex stories!
You're grumpy because you've been busy.
I want you to stop everything, go on in here, take a bath...
Hey, guys! Get the turtle out of the bathtub!
I'll look for the pictures first thing in the morning, OK?
All right. Good night, honey.
- Somebody better be dead! - Billy!
Billy, I want you to do me a favour.
- Who you talkin' to? - Nobody.
- Who's that? - No one.
Hey, is that Dean?
- Hi, Dean. Come on in. - Go back to bed, Gertie.
- If you treat me like that, I'm goin' home. - Come on, Gertie, don't be like that!
Remember in high school you faked our IDs? I need a fake bride.
- Come on, Dean. I'm busy! - Not any more. She's goin' home.
OK, but if we get caught, it's your ass!
It's my wedding day. Why do I look so annoyed?
Oh, yeah. Your dad showed up shit-faced.
He threw potato salad all over my mom. We had to throw him out!
Why do I always have this depressed look on my face?
You were grumpy a lot. You were losing the weight, then you gained it back.
- Thin, fat, thin, fat. - Was I always this miserable?
- Wasn't I ever happy? - Well, sure, honey. Lots.
You were the happiest little wife and mother around!
Look at this. Before you lost the weight. Can you believe it?
All right. Now, that's it. Are you satisfied?
- Yes. - Good.
I suppose I belong here in this... hovel.
Come on, Jackson!
Well, this is my life.
I didn't marry very well, did I?
D Your body
I love LA. I love all my starlets!
- What were your names again? - Tofutti Klein.
Tofutti! I love it!
If that's my mother-in-law, I'm not here.
You're Kim and Kimberly...
- The Stayton yacht. - Hello, Andrew. It's Mrs Mintz.
I'm so virile, I'm so rich!
I'd like to speak to my daughter.
They're not here, madam. They've gone shopping.
Uh, a little bit lower.
Yeah. Yeah, lower.
That's good. That's good.
- Were you really in the Coast Guard? - Damn right.
Why does he keep staring at me?
- Is he? - Yes! He was staring at me
with his mouth open all through dinner.
Well, honey, Billy was your high-school boyfriend.
You don't get any of the old feelings back when you look at him, do you?
I don't wanna do it!
You gotta do it if you wanna be a gruesome ghoul!
It's part of the initiation! Think about it.
That's good. Thanks a lot. Ah, yeah.
Uh, sugarlips. I think our guest needs another beer.
Uh, well, I really shouldn't, but maybe, uh... just one more
six-pack!
- Attagirl! - Thank you.
That's all the beer.
Whoa, buttercup! Just about time for dessert!
- How about some brownies? - I didn't make any.
- How about chocolate cream pie? - I made that.
- Is this gonna work? - My ideas always work. I'm gifted.
I loved it when you glued Joey to the toilet seat.
I was thinking about it at work. We need a theme for the golf course.
We can use a few contraptions you can knock some golf balls through.
- What's the score? I had my eyes closed. - 32-10.
- Who's winning? - The guys with 32.
- Great! - Who did this?!
Travis!
Hey, honey, what happened?
Oooh! This happened.
- You guys are beggin' for it! - Stop blustering! You won't punish them!
Ease up there, love chop! Just ease up.
Ease up? Ease up?
Since I walked through that door, I have cooked, cleaned,
scrubbed, chopped wood.
I've waited on you, your dogs, your kids and your friends
in the hopes that I would remember some shred of my life
and now it is entirely clear to me why I've chosen to block it out!
- Now, none of this ever... - Bothered me before.
Well, it bothers me now.
- All right, Joe! - Is that so?
Hey, hey, Joe! Come on, guys! No more jokes on Mom today, huh?
You really got her where you want her.
I got everything under control, don't worry.
- This is flat. Give me another one, Billy. - I only got six.
We're just gonna have to send out the old ball and chain to buy some more.
Good stuff!
Your chocolate cream pie.
Thanks, honey.
I guess it's kinda tough to serve with your hands stuck to plates.
Honey, we need forks!
- Sugarlips! - Yeah?
Wait a minute!
Fire, fire, fire!
- Yeah! - OK, guys, go get her!
Hey, thanks for a lovely dinner.
- She never did that before. - She did it now!
- Look at this! I gotta go to work! - Wait for me!
She went this way, guys!
Gruesome ghouls, attack!
- What should I do, Travis? - Go home!
I got you!
- Tickle her! - She's ticklish!
Ow, that hurts! Ow!
Leave me alone!
All right, time to get up.
Go to the bathroom and do what you normally do.
- You gonna squirt us with a hose again? - That's up to you.
- I gotta feed my turtle. - The damn turtle stole my headband.
Joey, come on. Time to get up!
I don't want to! The teacher's a big fat tub!
Proffitt boys, come up here!
Miss Pitcannon tells me you don't wanna take these tests.
I'm itchin' and I wanna go home!
You may go stand in the corner until you can talk like a little boy!
All of you children are new in this school.
These scores will determine your placement in future classes.
- You must concentrate... Greg! Stop that! - Make a face.
- I'm in real bad shape! - Nonsense!
Now, if you concentrate, I'm sure you can control those little bodies.
I see that, Amanda.
Joey, sit!
- Is anyone at your home? - Yeah. Our mom is.
You have a mother now? Your father remarried?
Um, yeah. We got a new mother now.
Well, good. Then I'm calling both your parents!
Mrs Burbridge, I'm Annie Proffitt. What happened?
Well, Mrs Proffitt, apparently your children consider themselves
above taking the Schwartzman-Heinliken tests.
I'm sorry. What are the Schwartzman-Heinliken tests?
Placement tests. They are very valuable in measuring intelligence and potential.
Sit still!
Your children are a discipline problem.
I know. I have had difficulties myself.
- What did you do now? - Oh! They decided to play sick!
And not very convincingly.
Now, I believe their problems exist because of deficient parental guidance.
The children are slovenly, incorrigible
and being reared by a father who clearly isn't concerned about their welfare,
but is himself just a large child!
- Excuse me, Mrs Burbridge. - Oh, the test results. Thank you.
I'll look these over as soon as I'm finished with this... woman.
Oh, my God.
I'll see you later in the cafeteria.
Mrs Burbridge, would you come over here for a moment?
Has it escaped your attention that these children have head-to-toe poison oak?
Well, no... Yes, but...
But what? My children are in need of medical assistance!
And you can sit here and smugly lecture me on the importance of tests?
Tests which label children's potential - a thing which cannot be measured!
Least of all by anal-compulsive Huns!
And my husband may be a large child, but that's none of your business.
And my children may be rotten, but they're mine!
And I think that they're bright and sensitive.
So I have no doubts whatsoever about their intelligence!
I do, however, have serious doubts about yours!
Kids, get in the car. Let's go.
Move!
- She told her off. - Dad never did that.
Discipline problem?
My regards to Schwartzman and Heinliken.
I can't stop itching!
Well, what do you expect when you roll around in poison oak?
What I want you to do, what the doctor said, is put it right on the red parts.
OK?
Soon we're going to clean up this room because it's a disgrace.